Iszimation - An Old Familiar Friend

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Spirituality

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My struggle with Ego begins.

I am in anxst. In fact the deamon I face is an old all too familiar friend. Yet somehow I was forced by 'it' to follow 'it' like a carrot dangling before me, hoping this time I could snatch it up, and win this ongoing re-emerging struggle with Ego. But I always lose. A moment ago I was in conversation talking about the comming down off addictive drugs such as cocaine. The irony is that same intensity of being in a euphoric state, blissfully in the moment, is identical to the enjoyment I experienced with a woman the other night.

I was essentially high, all too keen the moment would not last, and ever fearful of its impending end. Now that it has, I struggle with the deamon who whispers false promise in one ear and statements of indeptedness in the other, that I am not good enough, lack the male stature. This same simultaneous vague yet drilling awareness was a potent force in my youth, the taste reminiscent, the feeling agonizing to know there are thousands, if not more, men who are more superior and more fullfilling to this woman than I could ever hope to be.

Yet it was this same voice that whispered in my ear that I am a fucking sex machine, taunting me to the challenge with sweetness before my lips. Knowing the unattainability, and the odds of failure well in advance, the portfolio chalk full of prior failure, I ask myself why I even engage? The answer is so simple, so human, so humiliating. The answer is that I love sex, and will conspire anything within my power to arrange for it, even mindlessly follow whatever odds to satiate my hunger, hoping perhaps this time, victory will be mine.

But it usually isn't, and wasn't.

My dealings with the devil can't be uncommon. For it must be that in varying ways all men respond to a similar voice. I suppose its just best to be nobel, as certainly there are times I snatched that carrot right up. I do wish the struggle weren't so difficult. The dance seems too complex.

How much more satisfying would it seem if I could just ask... "Hey! You want to fuck?". But it's not that easy, at least in the social networks I participate in. I imagine though there are probably some good reasons for this. But when libido runs high, I can say with certainty, I wish it was easier.

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